If you think this is extreme, remember that Geraldine Ferraro and other leftists suggested dividing the nation when George Bush was elected. They wanted to merge New England and the Pacific coast states with Canada and rename the United States “Jesusland.” So, the Sons of Liberty have a counter-proposal that we think more accurately reflects the character of America.
Enjoy the words, you stinking Marxists.
DISCLAIMER: HUMOR PIECE FOLLOWS. HISTORIC REFERENCE IS JONATHAN SWIFT’S “MODEST PROPOSAL.”
How to divide the land mass between real Americans and psychotic Marxists and their illegal alien hordes? We suggest trimming off the edges and cutting out the Marxist tumors, leaving behind the 95-97 percent of the current United States that is filled with patriots.
California can be divided between The Peoples Republic of Mexifornia in the south and the Peoples Republic of San Francisco in the north. The Peoples Republic of San Francisco can adopt the Rainbow Flag, with a head shot of Harvey Milk dead center. Or maybe a Unicorn. Nob Hill can be renamed Gomorrah and made the capital.
The Peoples Republic of Mexifornia can adopt the Mexican Tricolor, with a unicorn in the center, with a rainbow-striped single horn. They can rename West Hollywood Sodom and proclaim that the capital.
The rest of the state will remain the California Republic. The California Republic will retain the Grizzly Bear flag. This is the flag for true California patriots who believe in the United States of America.
The Peoples Republic of Mexifornia can have the California coastline from Tijuana to Ventura. This swath will be no more than 30 miles deep from the water’s edge, and in some places will narrow to perhaps as little as ten feet. Sadly, we will release any claim on Orange County, which was once a decent place to live. The United States will retain full control of Santa Barbara, San Luis Obispo, and Monterey counties, plus the northern and inland portions of Ventura County. The city-state of San Francisco, also called the Peoples Republic of San Francisco, will include the “city,” plus Marin, Contra Costa, and Santa Clara Counties.
The Big Valley and its agriculture will remain in the hands of the Republic of California and the United States. So too will Lake Tahoe, so you smarmy Marxists will have to decamp, and use passports for your ski trips. The homosexual colony in Reno and Tahoe will be asked to decamp and return to South Laguna. We don’t want you. We really, really don’t want you.
We happy few of the California Republic will gladly sell you stinking Marxists fresh vegetables, fruits, and beef. We will also grant you access to certain roads so you can transit safely. You will need to limit your travel to Highway 101, and we will have checkpoints at the Santa Barbara/Ventura line, and once again somewhere north of Salinas. We will grant you airspace rights just off the coast for your flights back and forth between Greater LA and San Francisco.
All illegal aliens seeking work in the California Republic will be regulated in a modern bracero system. If caught in the California Republic without a chip implant and tracking device, illegal aliens will be put to work on chain gangs to maintain the roads, for a period of one year, prior to deportation.
The California Republic and the United States will plant land mines along the border with Mexico. You ain’t coming here, guys. Go bother the liberals who say they love you so much.
Marin County? Oh, the heart of insanity. You can keep it, all of it. Please.
The coastline from Sonoma County north to Seattle will remain part of the United States. We will allow the Peoples Republic of Sanfrancisco to retain Napa County, as that area is hopelessly infested with liberals swilling wine and speaking French. They will be forced to choose between growing grapes for wine and growing food to eat. We can trade with the Peoples Republic: they provide wine, we provide food. They are by nature insane and would prefer dependence on the US for food before giving up red wine.
Portland? All insane gays, Lesbians and PETA members in Portland will be offered a one-way ticket back to San Francisco, or perhaps Belmont Shore in Long Beach, which is known to locals as the Isle of Lesbos. Every last square inch of Oregon will remain a part of the United States. No surrender.
Seattle? The IT psychos will be invited to relocate to San Francisco, Campbell (Silicon Valley) and surrounding areas, where they will be free to cross-dress and indulge themselves in bathhouse culture. We don’t like Microsoft anyway. Texas Instruments and Dell and entrepreneurial start-ups in the United States of America will replace Apple and Microsoft. We’ll forego iPhones and use Korean-made LGs until we can start making our own devices. Washington state will remain part of the United States. For a short period of time, we will allow the Peoples Republic to export Apple computers without any tariff. By providing a tax-free zone for IT, we will launch a company whose first purpose will be to debug the products of Bill Gates, thus making them so different that they can be marketed as a separate product. Also, our version will be open source so our software designers can develop and market their own packages that integrate. We will leave you in the dust.
Now, on to the Southwest. Any liberals living in Austin, Texas, will be advised to relocate to Los Angeles, California. Same goes for the weirdos in Santa Fe, New Mexico. That should cover most of the Southwest. Oh, perhaps some folks in Phoenix ghettos should consider a return to Compton. And the LA nutjobs who have ruined Colorado? Go home, or start eating steak. You will not be allowed any tofu products in Colorado.
And then there’s New Orleans. A rejuvenated FBI will be placed in control of New Orleans in partnership with the Texas Department of Corrections. All known violent criminals, including members of the highly corrupt New Orleans police department, will be executed or imprisoned–in Texas. The United States will clean up New Orleans. If you can’t cook killer gumbo or play a trumpet, pal, you’re going down. The Texas Department of Corrections will be given long-term jurisdiction over New Orleans, which will be proclaimed a city-state and semi-autonomous protectorate of Texas. The flood plains of New Orleans will be made into a park. All attempts at rebuilding the slums of New Orleans will stop. Hey, we have a budget to balance.
Corrupt politicians and welfare crackheads in Chicago will be advised to move to either Manhattan, where they can beg in the streets, or to the Peoples Republic of Mexifornia, where they might enjoy the warm weather. We think Blagojevich would make a great State representative in the Peoples Republic of Mexifornia. And you people get Reverend Wright and all members of his congregation.
Minneapolis? Well, we can shape up that state and keep it in the United States. Besides, all those beautiful Nordic blondes and redheads in Minnesota are welcome. Good breeding stock, and we plan on promoting real Americans to have real families and children to secure our future. We’ll get your Minneapolis heads straightened out and bring you back into the fold.
Madison, Wisconsin? You weirdo professors can move back to Berkeley and contemplate your navels. We’ll keep the cheeseheads, Marquette, and Harley-Davidsons. If gay biker gangs in West Hollywood still want Harleys rather than Honda chopper bikes, we’ll sell them special editions painted in a color our marketing guys have dubbed Code Pink. Code Pink Harleys are export-only models.
And now, the giant boil that must be lanced, Detroit. First, The Nuge will be governor of Michigan. Yup, Ted Nugent. The UAW will be declared an illegal communist conspiracy and disbanded. Workers who wish to stay and earn a reasonable wage with decent benefits can do so. Others will be sent to Canada to live off their welfare system, or to the Peoples Republic of Mexifornia, so the Hollywood freaks can suffer with them face-to-face. The entire population of the city of Detroit will be told there will be no more BS government jobs for them, or welfare. They will be offered a one-way ticket to the Peoples Republic of Mexifornia or the Peoples Republic of Greater Manhattan, where they can be a nuisance to the rich liberals who consider the citizens of Detroit “downtrodden.” Hey, you can have them.
With Ted Nugent as governor of Michigan, bow hunting will be named Michigan’s official sport. The motto? A slab of venison on every table.
Now, New England? Oh, this is a tough one. We will probably need a measure of repatriation, sending Manhattan lunatics back to the five boroughs. Vermont will once again be a state filled with cranky Yankees who milk cows at 4 AM and drive Ford pickups. No more retired Marxist red diaper school teachers from Manhattan.
Connecticut? Well, the psychos can keep the neighborhoods just across the water from NYC: Greenwich, Stamford and the like. We want The Peoples Republic of Greater Manhattan to have contiguous borders, which we can patrol. But what we Americans call upstate Connecticut will be purged of all NYC residents. And the United States will revive the Connecticut and New England firearms industry. Why? Well, concealed carry will be mandatory for all US citizens who have not been convicted of a felony.
Much of Upstate New York will remain in the United States. So The Peoples Republic of Greater Manhattan will cover the five boroughs, bedroom communities in Connecticut, the northern swath of New Jersey (a fitting spot to resettle citizens of the city of Detroit), and likely some parts of Rhode Island and New Hampshire, so as to connect with parts of Massachusetts, including Boston. Hippie doper liberals and Somali welfare recipients in Maine will be repatriated to the Peoples Republic of Greater Manhattan. So they might grow some of their own food, we might consider establishment of the White Plains Kibbutz.
Florida? Oh, boy. Most effort will be applied in Miami-Dade. NYC retirees? You can keep your condos, maintain your own roads, and commute via airplanes and boats to your motherland, the five boroughs of the Peoples Republic of Greater Manhattan.You’ll likely need to form cross-border alliances with The United States to get adequate skilled labor. The United States will agree to supply you with electricity from our power grid at a reasonable rate. If you think you can make it on solar-powered air conditioning and ceiling fans, please, be our guests. There will be checkpoints along the border, but we will allow you to use the interstate system to get back to New Jersey and Manhattan, but your passport will only allow you to make this trip twice a year. We’ll know who you are: you’ll be driving the Mercedes or Cadillac with the left blinker flashing the entire trip.
Haitians who spread crime in South Floria? You’re going home.
Any liberals living in Charlotte, Atlanta, Memphis or other small, concentrated populations of psychotic liberals within the boundaries of the real United States? You can choose: go away, or pull your head out. We assume you are not beyond salvation. You will need to take an oath of loyalty and then eat a plate of grits and fried okra. There will be no infestations like Fairfax County, the Tech Triangle, or varous neighborhoods in DeKalb County to survive.
Alaska remains in the United States. Hawaii? The United States retains control of all military installations and ports. We will consider selling one or more islands to the Japanese, considering they have colonized the island anyway. Hard to find an American in Hawaii. However, the United States will retain control of the main island and all Japanese will need to decamp to another island.
You Marxists can have Puerto Rico, though the United States will allow the hot Puerto Rican chicks the opportunity to emigrate to our land mass. But only the hot ones. The United States will begin practice bombing runs on Vieques Island once again.
Ah, and then there’s Washington, DC. All the scumbag welfare recipients will be removed, forcibly if need be, and shipped to the Peoples Republic of Greater Manhattan. You love ‘em? You can have ‘em. They’re all yours. DC will once again be a beautiful monument to our democracy, rather than a sleazy ghetto filled with drug-crazed welfare recipients.
You know, I think this might work.
Now, that leaves the United States of America with a hard-working, decent population. We will have excellent manufacturing, pharmaceutical research, medical care, bountiful supplies of petroleum (and we plan on burning plenty of it) and natural gas, and plenty of water.
Oh, and you folks get no military. And you sign documents of declared neutrality. You cannot form military alliances or sell portions of the Peoples Republics to China, Russia, or the Japanese. If you do, carpet bombing will begin at 8 AM the following day.
God bless America.
And of course, this is a humor piece. Hey, have a good laugh.
DISCLAIMER: All content in this piece is an exercise of First Amendment free speech rights, and is meant purely as an exercise in good humor.
